Love Is Madness

Love.

I’ll let you know now that this isn’t the first time I’ve talked about this subject and most likely won’t be the last.

The last time I spoke of this, it started off about my brief past to later talk about someone I had a lot of feelings for, but nothing ever happened there that I had no problem moving on from.

If you don’t already know, I’ve had my taste of boyfriends all throughout high school but nothing ever lasted. After I graduated, I made the choice of taking a break from guys. I didn’t completely shut out the idea of dating. Just wanted that time off to focus on me more for a change.

So far for a good 4 years since I’ve started college, I’ve done pretty well focusing on me & further loving myself for I believe in order to fully love another person, you must first love yourself.

I’m an optimistic person but sometimes I fall hard that most people don’t ever see. I tend to fall in love easily & when I think things are going well, it somehow just seems to die out. I almost feel like I’m cursed.

I can say that on the outside, I’ve changed a lot which has changed how guys see me & a lot of times it’s not pretty. When they only appreciate what’s on the outside, personally, it hurts me to an extent. I don’t want someone to like me just because I look pretty or beautiful or hot to them. I want someone to fall in love with my soul, with what makes me truly me, with my vibe. That’s not something you can find easily anymore. I guess I’m more old-fashioned in a more advanced time.

With that being said, I guess I’ll start with what’s happened for me lately.

If you’re up-to-date with the lingo that the kids say nowadays, there are what they call fuckboys. Yes the famous phrase about boys who play with your heart to get what they want. I’ve had a little taste of that & in the end I came to my senses. After their one attempt, I played against their games & haven’t heard from them ever again. And I’m keeping it that way.

When it comes to the concept of hookups & one-night stands, it disgusts me. Sadly that’s what a lot of guys look for now because they no longer want to commit to something, but I do. Hence why I’m still single.

I’m not saying either that being single is a bad thing. It’s actually quite wonderful, but sometimes you want that special someone. Yes you have your best friends to hang out with too & those times are some of the best. When you have a significant other though, things are a little bit different, but a good different. It’s the different I want but can’t seem to obtain which is why I feel like I’m cursed or something.

About a month ago, I went on my first date in 5 years (Yeah I don’t go out much. I’m a homebody). At the start it was weird for me as I am a shy person & don’t open up to people easily or quickly so I was quiet for a good portion of the night. The guy was really nice & everything that I accepted going on a 2nd date. By then, I got a bit more open & comfortable. It felt so good that we hung out for a 3rd time in the same week. I thought we had hit it off but unfortunately, there was some miscommunication & I took time to reconsider things & really think about who this guy was. What I look for was there, but there was just one problem. He came off too strong for me.

Let me explain.

I don’t mind a good conversation, but if it’s going to turn into a debate that we know isn’t going anywhere, I don't see a point to it. It's like fighting for no reason especially if it's on things that have no resolution or answer, especially not just upon meeting someone for the first time, but I digress.

So I don't follow zodiac signs religiously, but I believe it to a certain extent. This guy's sign was a Sagittarius so he was into adventure and moving at a faster pace than I'm used to so that end of his personality was what made it hard for me in the end and when I tried to reason with him, his ego needed to be taken down a few notches.

Moving on.

I was close to giving up trying yet again maybe for another 5 years or never. Who knows.

Not long after, a guy I had been following for a while on Instagram has been messaging me from time to time and finally made his move onto me. Of course I didn't give in that easily but I didn't push him away either. When I talked to him, it was different than any guy I've ever talked with and felt nice for a change. Eventually he gave me his number and now that I was more comfortable talking to him, I was more my dorky self. He Facetimed me (which I was nervous to) but it went better than I expected. After a few weeks I finally got to meet him and although it was awkward silence at first because it was all a rush to me that I had him right in front of me, a work of art, an angel from heaven, I was mesmerized. I was lost in the thrill of it all. But after, it all has just been confusing to me.

Out of nowhere, he stopped replying to me except for once, but he's still watching my stories and posting on his profile. No matter what or when or how I text him, he never replies. I'm all about communication. After something good like that and for it to go completely silent, it hurts and this is one of my ways of venting. I'm close to giving up, but I feel like I'm overthinking.

Honestly at this point I can move on, but there's just something about him that keeps me from doing that. I can't quite grasp it yet. You're probably thinking, "It's because you're falling in love with him." Yes that is one of the obvious reasons, but I mean, it's something I can't even explain, but it's there.

My feelings for him have grown, but they're disappearing just as quickly. I don't want to continue giving in to someone who may not feel the same way about me anymore, but I don't want to give up on it. I'm tempted to ask him how he feels, but I don't want to mess it up if all I'm doing is overthinking. I'm not asking him to be my boyfriend here and now (although I wouldn't mind it either), but I guess all I want to know is where we stand.

When it comes to love, I can be quite the mess, but I have a lot to give.

Maybe I just have a thing for ghosts.