Love's A Lotto

L O V E

Fragile. Dangerous. Confusing. Fulfilling.

It's something that makes us feel human, satisfies when we need it, but hurts when it's lost.

There's love towards many things such as nature, animals, music, and the like. Romantic love between two similar, yet very different people is the trickiest of them all.

I have been single for 4 years, but I have to say it's been a somewhat refreshing 4 years.

In high school, I had a few boyfriends that I do regret having, but I got to learn a lot of things from them that I didn't notice at the time. When you're young and naive, you feel like you're on top of the world and nothing bad could possibly happen.

WRONG.

It doesn't happen for every situation, but not everything is rainbows and unicorns. There are things you learn in the process that you wish you never knew or felt. Ever.

In every relationship I had, I was the one to break it off. They were either too clingy, too needy, or just made me feel used. I loved and let go as fast as it came. My longest relationship I ever had was 4 months, both my first and last relationship although my last was different than the rest.

(Plot twist: he broke up with me.)

Honestly, I was devastated. I never thought I would feel such heartbreak and then I knew what my other exes must've felt when I broke up with them (and some still do to this day).

It was one of the worst feelings in the world. I felt everything around me crashing down. My heart fell down to my stomach. My body felt heavy. This was my senior year of high school mind you.

I thought I had done something wrong. I wanted to fix it although I was starting to lose my interest in him. He basically beat me to the punch.

He told me that he felt like we were getting too distant despite going to the same school, that I was always too busy to spend time together and that if the time was right, we would get back together for he still loved me.

Joke's on him.

I realized that if he couldn't handle me being "busy" then, he wouldn't be able to handle how busy I am now because high school is nothing compared to college.

Within the next year, he found a new girlfriend who happens to be one of my friends despite the fact I don't talk to her as much anymore, as I haven't with a great number of my high school friends. As for me, roughly a year later, you could say it was sort of love at first sight.

July 2014.

Who knew my life would drastically change by just one person. He gave me feelings I never felt before. Feelings I never knew I had. I would be nervous to talk to guys I liked and/or were good-looking to me, but with him, it came so naturally. I even made firm eye contact that I never really make with anyone. I honestly thought something was wrong with me.

My friend was with me that first day and she told me that the whole time we were with him and his band mates, the sparkle in my eyes were as clear as day. I blushed quite a bit after that.

A couple weeks after that I confessed to him that I had a crush on him and he told me that he loved me back. I may or may not have freaked out a bit. A little. A lot. A lottle? After I confessed, it's never been the same for me, in the best way.

You can say with how its been between us that we're practically together even though we're not. Despite how much I'd love being together with him, I'm still not sure how he truly feels about me which although I'd love to know, it adds to the thrill of not fully knowing. The only rush I'm willing to put up with.

June 2015.

Their EP 'The Rise' released. It contained 5 songs along with 2 songs on their deluxe version, but one song out of all spoke to me the most.

It's called 'So Damn Lucky'.

Basically the song is about taking a risk at love knowing that it may or may not work out in the end but one is willing to take a gamble at it regardless because you love that other person so much you'd drop everything just to be with them and if it works out, you are, as the title says, so damn lucky to have them, willing to go through thick and thin no matter the circumstances. This clearly explains my current situation.

The same guy I fell head over heels for, I continue to fall harder for every day. When I heard that song, I broke down in tears like I never thought would happen. It spoke to me in such a way that a song has never spoke to me before. I'll try to break it down for you in the simplest way possible.

The song starts with his verse (not like his vocals don't kill me already):

"It’s like dropping a coin at the carousel

And waiting for a return

It’s like putting it all in at the river

You’re down and then you learn

I should know how to walk away

And know when to run

‘Cause you could burn

And be fun like a drug

Or wound like a gun"

The carousel has always been a part of my childhood where it gave me a small moment to enjoy what I have been blessed with in life because everything around you gets blurred as you're going round and round on a mechanical horse. Growing up, I would go to get this relieving feeling of going in endless circles forgetting for a brief moment of the troubles going on around me. When put into perspective here, you get that feeling of never knowing where you'll end up because you're going in endless circles hoping to find the love of your life.

The river reminds me of my past relationships where I felt like I was being drowned. I learned the hard way to know when to just walk away from them or to even run for my life to something better. I was burned by some, had a temporary rush with others and like my last relationship, I felt like I was shot down and badly wounded.

Next is the pre-chorus (which repeats itself a few times):

"But you don’t have the answers

And I am just a gambler

Ready to make a move"

For me, I feel like although I know all the signs are there, not all the answers I want are. Before I used to hate taking risks, but for him, I've done things I never thought would cross my mind making me gamble my life to earn his love. Something I've never done for a guy before. I'm setting up the pieces little by little. Waiting and ready.

Next comes the chorus (which it too repeats throughout):

"I think I’ll buy a lotto ticket

I’ll bet it all win or lose

If I’m so damn lucky

To have you

I write myself a motto with it

I’ll take a chance to play the fool

If I’m so damn lucky

To have you"

When I confessed that I had a crush on him, that was me buying my lotto ticket because if I didn't at least give it a shot, I would never know what could possibly happen. I was willing to sacrifice my old self and become the person I was always meant to be not just for him, but also for myself. If I win him in the end, it'll be the best feeling in the world even though every day I'm blessed enough to have him in my life (I can't stress that enough). If I don't win him in the end, I'll still be there to support him every step of the way.

My written motto, the reason I never give up, has made me the fool. The fool to be his. The fool to where I may not need him, but I want him. The fool that has changed for better and not for worse. The fool that would be the happiest fool if I was so damn lucky to have him.

On the next verse:

"It’s like waiting for a verdict on a cold case

My heart is on trial

And I could dodge you like a speeding bullet

You could hit me then lay me down

I should know how to walk away

And know when to run

‘Cause you burn

And you’re fun like a drug

But you leave me undone"

As time has been passing, my heart has been patiently here, just waiting. It hasn't even been a full 3 years yet and to me it has felt like an eternity. What he says to me in the end could possibly make me feel shot down, left for dead, like what I thought was meant to be wasn't, like it was all just a big illusion, turning my world upside down. I have the choice to still walk away from it all, or even run as far away as possible, but the burning sensation he gives me, the rush I feel even just hearing his name, he has me completely undone. I feel torn apart in the right ways.

The small part after the chorus:

"I’m not hollow

But love’s a lotto with you (And I’m so damn, and I’m so damn)

I’m not hollow

But love’s a lotto with you"

Despite if I have him or not, I'm not completely empty without him, but it wouldn't hurt to try. I can't stress enough all the risks I'm willing to take. I'm willing to play this game until we reach the finish line.

His next verse gets to me the worst:

"And I can never trust anyone

‘Cause I can never trust myself

Am I looking to you to find heaven

Or will you put my soul through hell?"

Relationship after relationship I began to build a thicker and higher wall around me, slowly losing trust to many guys in my life, to the point where I couldn't even trust my own choices anymore. If I couldn't trust myself, if I couldn't learn to love myself, how could I put that same love and trust into another person? When I met him, little by little I've learned to love myself and start trusting again. I find a bright future with him, but like any relationship, maybe it's not all like it seems. Despite my deep love for him, I'm still afraid my past could repeat itself. I cross my fingers that doesn't happen.

Lastly, this verse sums it all up:

"And nobody knows where this will go

So let’s do it, do it, do it yeah

Nobody knows what the future holds

So I'ma do it, do it, do it

Yeah"

If you're reading this, I say let's give it a shot. What's the worst that can happen? We don't know where it'll go until we try it out. Maybe it works out, maybe it won't. We don't know what the future holds for us, but we can write out our future, together. I may not be completely ready and maybe neither are you, but I'll be ready whenever you are. Just say the words and let's take this adventure together, see where this journey of ours takes us.

I'll love you forever and always. ♡